Alywood

The story behind the 'Koen-kicks-girl-in-the-face' picture that was printed 8000 times and distributed countrywide..

How did it come to this? Well, I was wandering around one of the traditional houses of Kashan and when I was about to enter one of the hammams I ran into a photo shoot. But not just any photo shoot. The subject of the camera's was a guy that could bent his leg more than 270 degrees above his head. What's this, I wondered out loud? "Alywood!" was the answer. And this is how I got to know Ali, who lives his summers in Finland, and his winters in Kashan. After some more pictures he invited me over to his house to have lunch.

One of the things I remember from my economy classes is the following phrase: 'there's no such thing as a free lunch'. This one was no exception. What started as playing, soon became semi-professional modeling. Admittedly very 'semi', 'cause what do I know about modeling. Let alone martial arts! Nothing, absolutely nothing. But what I do know is that Iranians love it. Iran is the second biggest Taekwondo-nation after South-Korea, and it is this sentiment that Ali is trying to capture. 'Alywood', his brain child, is to be the Iranian counterpart of Hollywood in the States, and Bollywood in India. "I think it's a good name", he told me, "as people already know that it's about making movies when they hear '-wood'." I guess he has a point.

Impressed as Ali was with my performance, he asked me to take part in what he described as a martial arts festival a few days later in Esfahan. As that was my next destination, and as I am always interested to see what people moves, I went along with it. We practiced a bit, and agreed to meet in two days time. I would do a little act together with Hamaid, the guy with the snake legs, and Aazam, the girl in the picture.

Triviality of the day, Hamaid sent me a text message after I had left saying:

Morning or night,

YOU are light.

Big or small,

YOU are all.

Young or old,

YOU are gold.

Far or near,

YOU are dear !!!

This type of friendship confirmation (as I took it) is something I've only experienced in India, and that it happened to me here reminded me that I was getting closer to 'east'.
I told you about the road in the 'New road/Old road'-bit, but not about the disappointment that awaited me when I got there. Our little theater play had changed during the days that I was cycling, and now we had to do more practicing, so 'pretty please' if I could come back to Kashan for the night to rehearse. I didn't feel like that at all, but when there's art at stake I am not the one to sabotage. (Don't worry, I am saying this with irony.) Of course there wasn't much rehearsing that night, as Ali was too occupied with the montage of the movie that he had shot for this occasion. The drive took two hours, and by the time we finally reached his place, I was knackered.

The next day things went from bad to worse. Again there were changes in the script and as it turned out we actually had to make a commercial for some soft drink: "Nilonia! Wow, there's so much energy inside!" And so few calories.. When I looked a bit closer I understood why. Aspartame. What on earth am I doing? I'd never buy something like this, let alone advertise for it. And here I am, standing on a stage, a token European pur sang who's poisoning the minds of these martial arts loving Iranians.. But by now I was part of this horrible creation, and there was no way out. We had to make pictures of the drink for which they positioned me with the can in my hand next to Hamaid, who would do his trick and lift his leg all the way over his head, until his foot was almost touching the drink that I held at shoulder height. The fact that the sole of his foot was really dirty and that this didn't create the desired 'good feel' with the "fresh" drink, amused me.

Anyway, we got it over with, and afterwards we sat down at the back of the conference hall to see the rest of the program.

The ravage.. I couldn't believe my eyes. The company who had sponsored the event had distributed goodie bags that contained a can of Nalonie ("Wow, there's so much shit inside!") and candy bars. Everything in its individual plastic wrapper, and the whole packed in a plastic box. There was plastic everywhere. And the program proved to be one big ego trip of the creator of the Iranian kung fu B-movie. As humble as some of the Iranians that crossed my path have been, as egocentric was this man. He had his CV read out by an anchorwoman and after that he held a speech that lasted for 30 minutes. At least one third of the people had left the room when he finally wrapped up, what can best be described as a mix between Ricky Gervais as a stand-up comedian and Ben Stiller in Zoolander. But then without the self-mockery. Exasperating blue steel.

The movie that followed scared away another third (it was in Finnish so that not only I, but also all the other people in the audience didn't have a clue of what was said; not that there was much dialogue, but still) and the third that was left when things finally came to an end, sat there bewildered, thinking: "If this is what's coming for us, than thanks but no thanks.." I mean, B-movies can be fun when they are not meant to be serious, but in Alywood, everything's meant to be serious. Bad acting, meaningless violence, horrible camera work, pretentiousness as if it's a virtue..

I felt relieved when it was over. .

On my way to Pejman with whom I could stay for a couple of nights, I asked three passers-by for directions. A woman of middle age gave me perfect directions with an improvised map and all. When I commented her on her 'directing' skills, and told her moreover that her ice cream looked delicious (bad as the day had been, it hadn't taken away my appetite), she offered me a taste. I accepted. She handed me the cone, I took a bite, and gave it back. I don't know if this has happened before in Iran - a stranger having a lick of someone's ice cream - but it somehow made up for all the rubbish of before.